The Cure

I don’t know exactly how long I have been feeling this way. I try to think back to high school, a decade ago, and recall the kind of person I was.  I was moody, but that’s to be expected of a teenage girl. I recall being irritable, sullen, sarcastic and disrespectful. Again, par for the course, I suppose.

But now, here I am: 28 years old, married to a wonderful man, three adorable pups to snuggle, homeowner, employed full-time at a good company. And I am still irritable, sullen, angry and tired. No, exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally. And I don’t know why. My body aches, I feel like I can’t fully breathe. I literally feel weight on my shoulders, a heaviness on my chest. Of course, I rack my brain and examine my inner-most being,  searching for the cause. For if I can find the reason, I can fix it, right?

The last 3+ years have been taxing, to say the least. Three years of infertility, one failed In Vitro Fertilization cycle and now, an international adoption. I also blame my job. I am here more than I am at home, and I find no joy in it. There is no fun, no laughter, no satisfaction or purpose.  Would leaving this place take care of the problem? I don’t know, because I can’t leave. We need the income. I feel such a deep sense of responsibility, it would be nearly impossible for me to just quit because I don’t like it.

I had a couple sessions with a therapist. It wasn’t terribly helpful, but one of the things I took away from it was that I have an under-current of anger. Like it’s always simmering just below the surface. Molten lava ready to spew forth at the tiniest provocation. When I relayed this to my mother, saying “I’m an angry person” she replied “Yes, you are”. So apparently the therapist is not the only one who noticed.  My mother then asked, “Why are you so angry?” I don’t know.

I suppose I am angry that we don’t have children. I am angry that it is so easy for so many other people. I am angry that God has chosen us to walk this painful path. I am angry that I have to work at a job I don’t love. I am angry that I can’t just do whatever I want, regardless of how much money I make doing it. I would like to think that when we bring home our little South African, I will be happy. When I can work part-time or not at all, I will be happy.

I read a blog earlier today, about being hungry for God, feeling empty and run-down inside. It resonated with me, because that is how I feel. I have been attributing my unhappiness, and let’s face it, my depression, on circumstances of this life. My job, my life without children, debt, finances, etc. Which ultimately means, I am counting on these things to make me happy. But is this what God wants of us? Is this what He tells us in His word? I certainly believe that children bring joy, and He intended it this way. But does He say that being debt-free will make us happy? That having a fun job will make our life worth living? We are to depend on HIM, not things of this earth, not life circumstance.

I've had a revelation, of sorts, regarding my depression and the “cure.” Maybe I shouldn’t be waiting for my life circumstances to fix my heart and my spirit. Maybe I should be relying on my Savior, my Father, the One who loves me more than anyone, to fix my heart and my spirit. How do I let Him do this? Will reading His word and having more quiet time with Him change the way I feel about everything in my life? Is it really this easy? My heart (or the Holy Spirit) is saying “Yes. It will. And yes, it is."